Maybe Polar Bears Are Endangered Because They’re Bad At Sex

Do you ever hear something that maks you turn your head, roll your eyes, and bark like some half-man half-wolfman? I was watching the Animal Planet the other day and learned a very interesting fact. Polar bears are an endangered species. For the uninitiated, that means the number of polar bears are currently decreasing at an alarming rate.

When I first heard this I was shocked. What could be causing this sharp decrease in our white, furry, Cocacola drinking friends? Habitat destruction? Global warming?

No, it must be something more plausible.

And then I looked in the mirror and came to a relization: sexual dysfunction. Is it at all possible that the polar bears are just cold fish when it comes to lovemaking?

It’s not too terribly far-fetched. The Sumatran Tiger, Bluefin Tuna, and even the saucily-named Tufted titmouse have all faced endangerment, possibly due to low sexual appetites.

Is it possible the liberal media wants this covered up so they can blame it on global warming? I must say I’m a bit miffed that I’ve been shamed for so long about using gasoline and spraying hairspray in the air. It’s time to own up about these impotent snowbears once and for all.

Who’s with me?

 

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/didbygraham

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Paid Day Off Subdues Local Man’s Racism

All around the United States, people are celebraing Martin Luther King Day. By reflecting on the great work Dr. King did, we feel the overall growth of racial unity in our country. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the home of Leaonard Newton, whose usually racist sentiments have been subdued by a paid day off.

“You know what, Dr. King really did some great work” Newton said, putting his feet up after waking up at noon. “I think it’s very important we have a day to reflect on that”

Newton has decided to spend the day honoring Dr. King by drinking a bloody mary and watching the 1980’s comedy film Porky’s.

“I really feel like I’ve come so far. We’ve all come so far.” Newton said, before taking a mid-afternoon nap.

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Meme Of Ronald Reagan Now Republican Frontrunner

The Republican debates are over, but the political wheel just keeps turning. Former frontrunners Donald Trump and the other guy have been blown away by a brand new GOP phenom: a meme of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan.

The image, which exudes a catchy and mildly humorous phrase regarding our country’s commitment to freedom, has the right wing spectrum abuzz.

“The Reagan meme is a real breath of fresh air”  right wing blogger and plot device Sean McPherson wrote. “It doesn’t care about political correctness, it gets the job done without stomping all over the Constitution.”

However, not everybody is in love with our new digital political phenomenom.

“America just isn’t ready for its first Meme-American President” political analyst Anna Hackenberg wrote. “Sure, it’ll dominate the meme vote, but it may be years before the rest of our country is accepting.”

At press time, Megyn Kelly had scheduled an hour long interview with the beloved Ronald Reagan meme.

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Biggest Takeaways From Obama’s Final State Of The Union Address

Just like that, the final State Of The Union by our 44th President is over. The President went through many topics, trying to touch upon many of the hot button issues Americans havebeen wondering about. Did his opinions satisfy the American Public? Let’s take a look at what the President said:

-Began the address by asking that nobody tell him the score to the Bulls game, as he was taping it

-Claimed he was not crying during last speech, saying it was allergies

– Finally admitted he was born in Kentucky

-Outlined how apples are better than pears, calling pears a “garbage fruit”

-Called for an end to different shoe sizes for men and women, wanting only two sizes: “Enlarged” and “Miniscule”

-Addressed the incorrect results of a recent poll, revealing he’s more of a Miranda than a Samantha

-Ended the speech by plugging his DeviantArt page

 

 

CC Photo by Flickr/joecrimmings

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Craziest Promise Yet? Trump Wants The McRib To Be Served Year-Round

Since entering the Presidential race, Donald Trump has made some interesting promises. Between building a wall on the border, polarizing trade deals, and funding a new Veronica Mars film, Trump may have bit off a bit more than he can chew. But this time, he’s gone too far.

Just this Wednesday, in a television appearance, Trump announced that, upon being elected President, he would make the McRib a year-round menu item available at McDonald’s.

“I promise you and everyone in this country that it is my duty to allow every man and woman to have a McRib when they want. Not just when they’re told they can have it. War isn’t seasonal. Elections aren’t seasonal. Why should the McRib be?”

After the announcement, there was a quick moment of silence, as the reporter was clearly in awe. The cameraman had tried to dump out of the footage, but the damage had already been done.

I can’t say I’ve been on board with many of Trump’s promises. But this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Serving the McRib year-round goes against everything that makes this country what it is. It’s a symbol of delayed gratitude and well-earned reward. Placing it next to the Filet O Fish or the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese cheapens it. You take this symbol of our country’s workmanship and turn it into just a sandwich.

Letting the McRib immigrate to the McDonald’s main menu? That’s not making America great again.

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/gageskidmore

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My Problems With Star Wars Episode VII

Star Wars Episode VII is out, and smashing box office records worldwide. The movie has reached critical acclaim as well, but still had a few problems. What are theee problems? Please, settle down, and keep reading to find the aforementioned problems. Now, with all of my reviews, I will have to issue a spoiler warning for those that haven’t seen it.

The seats were too small

Now, I can admit that I’m not exactly in my high school shape anymore. However, that doesn’t mean that the modern theatre should have seats that don’t conform to the male form. I have long dancer’s legs that can’t be confined to such smaller spaced. This is not what I expected the new Star Wars to be like at all.

The snack selection was lacking

As an experienced snack enthusiast, I had lofty expectations for the Star Wars food selection. What did I see? Two sections for Red Vines and only one section for Peanut M&Ms? Seriously?! Not only am I a Twizzlers man, but what kind of madhouse has peanut M&M’s but not regular?

The movie was too loud

Now I like explosions, lightsaber wooshing, and Wookie barking as much as the next guy. But did they have to play it so loudly? Additionally, for some reason, they decided to put the sound of a baby crying throughout the entire movie. I thought it was an interesting addition, but did little to add to the experience.

I had to go to the bathroom and missed a major part

Did I want to see the entire movie? Yes. Should I be punished simply because I enjoyed a few Yoohoos before the film began? NO. Honestly, how does J.J. Abrams plan to create an immersive universe when I have to miss part of the film? It’s things like this that keep me from recommending the movie to anyone.

 

 

CC Photo Flickr/ambientjohn

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Presedential FAIL: Obama Forgot To Take The Sticker Off An Apple He Was Eating

hghgh

I don’t usually attempt to partake in the type of ‘gotcha’ journalism my fellow bloggers Matt Drudge and Gwyneth Paltrow. But I can’t sit around while our Commander in Chief makes egregious mistakes while the nation watches. I believe it to be my civic duty to imform people what I saw. And by that I mean what a friend told me he read on the Granny Smith fan forums. I’ll just rip the bandaid off.

Our 44th President, Barack Obama, ate an entire apple before realizing he had forgotten to take the sticker off.

This is a man we have elected more than once to office. This is a man with his finger on the button. And that button does not control a machine that peels stickers off of fruit.

What if one of our rival countries was to see that? North Korea would be walking all over us. The USSR would reform. Brazil would be ambivalent.

I’m sure Mr. Obama is a nice guy. But this does nothing for his approval rating in my book.  Would it be that difficult to get a Secret Servie agent to examine this man’s meals? Apparently, the White House has a terrible case of apple apathy.

Let’s just say come November this man can no longer count on my vote.

 

CC Photos courtesy of Flickr/websenat/mediajorgenyc

 

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