I don’t want to speak for everybody. I believe that would be quite brash of me. But, come one, we all have to be honest with ourselves here. Have you ever actually tied a tie or even attempted to? Because it’s absolutely impossible.
So why do we continue to kid ourselves?
Because the tie industry is full of manipulative fatcats. You see, they set up these impossble standards for men by creating a fashion accesory that requires a Harvard graduate to complete. It’s a way to keep people down, take their money, confuse them, then force them to purchase a clip on in the end anyways.
So if you claim to know how to tie a tie or leave a comment saying otherwise, just understand this: no. No you don’t. That’s just what the suits in the tie industry want you to think. And what are they wearing with those suits? Clip on ties I assume.
This was an open letter to the tie industry by the way.
Today, I review something that nobody actually has taken the time to review. You see, the internet is already full of reviews of food, movies, and people, but what about the English language itself? Am I a trailblazer here? Yes, yes I am.
So let’s start with the core of the English language: words. Words are used for everything in the English language, and are meant to signify things, verbs, and adjectives. There are literally hundreds of words, many f which I use every single day. Props to the English language on that.
I’m calling it right now, English is the single best language. I’m sure you’re wondering why. Well, I’ll tell you. You know what I’ve noticed? Every single person I know speaks the English language. Not a single one has decided to use Japanese, Portuguese, or any of the other languages. If those were all so great, why wouldn’t more of my friends and family use them?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Unless more people I know start using all those weird symbols or funny lookin apostrophes, English is the undisputed leader of languages.
Now, just hear me out. I know that most claims of famous siblings having the ability to morph together (i.e. the Mega-Franco rumor of the early 2010’s) have been proved false, but let’s just think about it for a second.
Alec, Daniel, Billy, and Stephen Baldwin just might have the ability to morph together into one Mega-Baldwin, combining all of their strengths together.
I know what you’re thinking. “Anthony, if they had the ability to do this, why haven’t the already done it?” Well I have one simple response: they’re biding their time.
You see, BaldwinMania, which began in the late 80’s, has been going strong for nearly thirty yearrs. However, now that the craze is finally beginning to slow down, they know it’s the perfect time to unveil Mega-Baldwin.
At least that’s my opinion.
When will they do it? A gala? A Knicks game? The annual Baldwin day at Yankee Stadium, where anyone wearing Baldwin merchandise gets in free?
When you think of the words “America” and “Civil” and “War” and “Captain”, what do you think of? That’s right, you think of Captain America: Civil War. Coming soon to a theater near you.
So how was the epic clash between superheroes? Well, I haven’t seen it yet but I’ll go ahead and make an educated guess that it’s satisfactory. There will be intense scenes of kicking, reverse kicking, and high knee kicking. And I’d say anywhere from 2 to 3 cars will be damaged.
Additionally, I assume there will be a good amount of the film dedicated to Tony Stark (or “Iron Man” to you non-comic reading dweebs) deciding whether or not to shave his trademark facial hair. This was a big part of the Civil War arc in the comics, and I’d like to see how they handle it here. While I’d be happy if they kept it in just to stay true to the source material, I wouldn’t mind if they left it out just for the sake of timing.
Amongst my other predictions, I’m going to assume there will be no ducks in the film, but at least three geese. However, no more than five geese.
Overall, while I haven’t yet seen it, I give Captain America: Civil War a 12.