OPINION: What If That Cincinatti Gorilla Was Just A Man In A Suit?

One hot topic that has been burning white hot lately is the controversy regarding a gorilla in a Cincinatti zoo that was shot to death when a 4-year-old entered its enclosure. Many are saying this was wrong, as it was a specifically rare breed of gorilla. Others are saying that it’s the mother’s fault for telling her son that gorillas are nice and won’t rip him to shreds.

But I’ve got something that would change everyone’s minds: what if this rare breed of gorilla were, in fact, a man in a suit?

Would that change your mind? I mean, the gorilla was notorious for its rarity, but we have plenty of people on the Earth. It likely wouldn’t even be a news story if tat was the case.

It’s not like we haven’t seen it before. In the popular drama Trading Places, a man is mistaken for a real gorilla after being placed in a suit. And, considering it was never mentioned again, I’m going to assume he continued to be mistaken for a gorilla the rest of his life.

Now, am I saying that’s what happened here? Possibly. Since there aren’t doctors for apes, we’ll most likely never know. And isn’t that the real crime?


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OPINION: TV’s Are Like Phones, But Bigger And Can’t Make Calls

I never set out to blow people’s minds or change people’s perspectives too much. But, once in a while, I do like to make people think. And here’s something worth thinking about: televisions.

Have you ever looked at a television and really thought about what they do? They transmit video and audio content into your home. Now look at your phone. What does it do? That’s right, transmit video and audio content into your home. Like I said, didn’t mean to blow your mind.

The only difference between the two? A television can’t make calls. And it’s bigger.

It’s these kinds of little things in life that make you really think about things. Or perhaps not. But try this on for size: you can put a phone in a cell phone holder. Can you put a television in a cell phone holder? Most likely not.



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Socks Review

Yeah, that’s right. Socks. I’m reviewing socks this week.

You want to know why? Because I just don’t care anymore. Because I’ve become my own worst enemy.

I’ve been constantly bombarded with messages about what my next review will be. Not from fans, and not about reviews. But I have been getting a lot of emails lately.

And it’s overwhelming. You don’t know the pressure I’m under. An inbox that constantly fills to the brim, always begging for more.

The bottom line is that I give up. The world of reviewing is fickle. The internet is gone and it’s all our faults. We used it for nothing but searching for pirated episodes of “Who’s The Boss?” and nude photos of Bette Midler.

We insulted the internet. And it does not forgive.

So that’s it. I give up. It’s all done. Stores’s closed. Go home. Hug your wife. Hu your children. Hug your secret second family. Because the internet, as they know it, should not be.

See you next week when I review Casablanca.


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Celebrity Spotlight: That Guy That Played Newman On Seinfeld

On this week’s Celebrity Spotlight, we’re taking a look at one of the sitcom stars of the 90’s: Newman, also known as Newman from Seinfeld. Ready to learn more about him? No? Too bad, let’s take a look anyway.

Notable Works: Seinfeld

Name On Driver’s License (Probably): Newman From Seinfeld

Notable Quote 1: “Will you please put my real name in the title? I’ve appeared in over sixty films and directed many indie productions. All I ask is the dignity of my family name in the title of the article.”

Notable Quote 2: “Hello, Jerry”

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OPINION: Nobody Actually Knows How To Tie A Tie

I don’t want to speak for everybody. I believe that would be quite brash of me. But, come one, we all have to be honest with ourselves here. Have you ever actually tied a tie or even attempted to? Because it’s absolutely impossible.

So why do we continue to kid ourselves?

Because the tie industry is full of manipulative fatcats. You see, they set up these impossble standards for men by creating a fashion accesory that requires a Harvard graduate to complete. It’s a way to keep people down, take their money, confuse them, then force them to purchase a clip on in the end anyways.

So if you claim to know how to tie a tie or leave a comment saying otherwise, just understand this: no. No you don’t. That’s just what the suits in the tie industry want you to think. And what are they wearing with those suits? Clip on ties I assume.

Signed, Dissapointed.

This was an open letter to the tie industry by the way.

I should have mentioned that earlier.



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The English Language Review

Today, I review something that nobody actually has taken the time to review. You see, the internet is already full of reviews of food, movies, and people, but what about the English language itself? Am I a trailblazer here? Yes, yes I am.

So let’s start with the core of the English language: words. Words are used for everything in the English language, and are meant to signify things, verbs, and adjectives. There are literally hundreds of words, many f which I use every single day. Props to the English language on that.

I’m calling it right now, English is the single best language. I’m sure you’re wondering why. Well, I’ll tell you. You know what I’ve noticed? Every single person I know speaks the English language. Not a single one has decided to use Japanese, Portuguese, or any of the other languages. If those were all so great, why wouldn’t more of my friends and family use them?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Unless more people I know start using all those weird symbols or funny lookin apostrophes, English is the undisputed leader of languages.


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