Hate The Hamburglar? Well, What If He’s Just Trying To Feed His Family?

There is a saying that every hero needs a villain. Every yin needs a yang. Well, for hamburger hero Ronald McDonald, that villain is, and always will be, the Hamburglar. Donned in striped gear befitting hs criminal history, this man has been stealing hamburgers for years and will continue for the forseeable future. But while you may view him with disgust, I have just one question:

What if he is only stealing hamburgers to feed his starving family?

The media may want you to believe he is a common crook, but how accurate are they? Look at the source of this propaganda. Most of the rhetoric spewed about the rosy-cheeked burger thief has come from McDonald’s. Does that sound like an impartial source? I think not.

And yet we all sit back, cofortable with watching the character assasination before our eyes.

I hate to editorialize, but I can’t take any more bashing of this modern day Robin Hood. I, for one, have been blessed with food on he table throughout my life. Why should I judge a man that can’t make it work in a tough job market?

Maybe it’s time we turn the other sesame seed bun.

 

 

Photo Courtesy Of mcdonalds.wikia

 

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Guest Post: Bernie Sanders Promises Seinfeld Reunion If Elected

Written By W.R. Hayden

In a statement that shocked the country and a small PBS studio Thursday February 11 during the Democratic Presidential Debate, Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced his plans to bring back Seinfeld for one more season if he is elected president. The announcement comes after a sweeping win in the New Hampshire Democratic primaries, following a loss by coin-toss to Hillary Clinton in Iowa earlier this month.

“I wanted to keep the momentum going,” Sanders said after the debate, “The people loved my SNL skit with Larry David. So I told Larry, ‘look, together we can help take the United States back from the interests of the super-rich–back into the hands of the American people.’”

Sanders has offered many controversial solutions to the current economic and social issues facing the American people, including a single payer healthcare system, tuition-free college, Medicaid for all, increased minimum wage and extreme Wall Street and large corporation reforms. His announcement to bring back Seinfeld for one more season, however, may be his most daring and extreme move yet.

In response to Bernie Sanders’ wild proposal, Hillary Clinton claimed she would bring back 10 more seasons of How I Met Your Mother, but was unable to offer details as to how she would make it happen.

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Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From Not Enjoying Coke Zero

After much speculation about what his next move would be, Peyton Manning finally addressed recent interviews about his future. Would he go out on top like general manager John Elway? Would he attempt to do it all over one more time? Would he try and take the helm of a brand new franchise?

Walking up to the podium, a solemn-looking Manning was obviously getting ready to drop something serious on the American public. He cleared his throat, gave a somber grin, and began speaking.

“This is something I’ve beeen thinking about for a long time, you know.” Manning said. “These kind of things are years in the making, and I can try and And while I’ve stayed mum on it so long, I’m finally announcing my retirement from not enjoying the crisp, refreshing tast of Coke Zero anymore.”

Manning bowed his head, took a sip of his Coke Zero can, and gave and audible, refreshing “Ahh!”

“That’s the kind of low-calorie taste that makes these kind of announcements easier.” Manning said, taking many more sips.

Following his announcement he took a minute to thank all those responsible for mustering the strength to make his announcement, such as the fast internet speeds of Xfinity, the great selection of slacks at Sears, and the invigorating effects of Yoplait’s Human Grape Hormone yogurt.

 

CC Photo Courtesy of Flickr/denverjeffery

 

 

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Biggest Super Bowl Questions

Here is it – the big game! The clash of the titans. The blender full of old socks. We’ve been waiting all season to find out what two NFL teams would meet up in the Super Bowl. With the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers are ready to square off, there are still plenty of questions to be answered. What are these questions? Let’s find out below.

Has Peyton Manning ever kissed a girl?

In Manning’s many years of playing NFL football, we’ve seen him pass for thousands of yards, win many games, and toss many touchdowns. However, what have we never seen him do onscreen? Kiss a single girl. Sure, it’s easy to go around bragging about how many girls you’ve kissed. But when not a single photograph exists, I find i hard to believe.

Will the Noid make a commercial comeback?

Avoid the Noid – he ruins pizzas! But seriously, where has the Noid been? The popular Dominos spokesperson has been missing for many years now. Where has he run off to? Unless there have been behind-the-scenes spokesperson issues on the Subway level, there is no excuse for the red 80’s pizze mascot to be back.

Will Coldplay play “I Put My Love In A Box And Then Put That Box In A Bigger Box?”

The Super Bowl halftime show is a perfect time to sit down and see the hits played with a special appearance by Lenny Kravitz. But will Coldplay stick to only their top singles? Personally, I’m hoping they whip out the deep tracks, such as “I Put My Love In A Box And Then Put That Box In A Bigger Box” and “I Dropped My Keys In The Ocean Of Your Eyes And I Need Them Later”.

Will the greenskeeper remember to cut the lawn before the big game?

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to run through the tall grass. It slows you down and can lead to lime disease. This means the pressure is on for the Levi’s Stadium greenskeeper to run the lawnmover over the field. Will he succeed? I’ll be on the edge of my seat until I find out.

 

CC photo courtesy of Flickr/aidanmorgan

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Hey, Has Anyone Seen My Sunglasses?

I know this is mostly where I post news, blogs, and quizzes about which Smurf you are, but I just had one question: has anyone seen my sunglasses?

I was walking home from the hat store and noticed I was missing something. I had my keys, my phone… then it hit me.

Sorry to break from the norm, but I’ve been looking everywhere for them. I got them at the K-Mart just a week ago and could really use them. I know it’s been mostly cloudy out, but the doctor says I have sensitive eyes.

They were those black sunglasses with the UV  protection. At least I believe they were UV protected.  I heard you’re not supposed to get any without UV protection.

Ahh, I know I should have taken advantage of that 2 for $10 deal. I just heard somewhere that’s how they get you. Although, I would have gotten more K-points. And those points add up, you know.

I should have called a few places before posting this, shouldn’t I? I just didn’t want to cause a rucus at my local hat store.

OK, I’ll head back to th K-Mart. Sorry for wasting your time.

 

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/Bohman

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Maybe Polar Bears Are Endangered Because They’re Bad At Sex

Do you ever hear something that maks you turn your head, roll your eyes, and bark like some half-man half-wolfman? I was watching the Animal Planet the other day and learned a very interesting fact. Polar bears are an endangered species. For the uninitiated, that means the number of polar bears are currently decreasing at an alarming rate.

When I first heard this I was shocked. What could be causing this sharp decrease in our white, furry, Cocacola drinking friends? Habitat destruction? Global warming?

No, it must be something more plausible.

And then I looked in the mirror and came to a relization: sexual dysfunction. Is it at all possible that the polar bears are just cold fish when it comes to lovemaking?

It’s not too terribly far-fetched. The Sumatran Tiger, Bluefin Tuna, and even the saucily-named Tufted titmouse have all faced endangerment, possibly due to low sexual appetites.

Is it possible the liberal media wants this covered up so they can blame it on global warming? I must say I’m a bit miffed that I’ve been shamed for so long about using gasoline and spraying hairspray in the air. It’s time to own up about these impotent snowbears once and for all.

Who’s with me?

 

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/didbygraham

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Paid Day Off Subdues Local Man’s Racism

All around the United States, people are celebraing Martin Luther King Day. By reflecting on the great work Dr. King did, we feel the overall growth of racial unity in our country. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the home of Leaonard Newton, whose usually racist sentiments have been subdued by a paid day off.

“You know what, Dr. King really did some great work” Newton said, putting his feet up after waking up at noon. “I think it’s very important we have a day to reflect on that”

Newton has decided to spend the day honoring Dr. King by drinking a bloody mary and watching the 1980’s comedy film Porky’s.

“I really feel like I’ve come so far. We’ve all come so far.” Newton said, before taking a mid-afternoon nap.

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