Biggest Super Bowl Questions

Here is it – the big game! The clash of the titans. The blender full of old socks. We’ve been waiting all season to find out what two NFL teams would meet up in the Super Bowl. With the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers are ready to square off, there are still plenty of questions to be answered. What are these questions? Let’s find out below.

Has Peyton Manning ever kissed a girl?

In Manning’s many years of playing NFL football, we’ve seen him pass for thousands of yards, win many games, and toss many touchdowns. However, what have we never seen him do onscreen? Kiss a single girl. Sure, it’s easy to go around bragging about how many girls you’ve kissed. But when not a single photograph exists, I find i hard to believe.

Will the Noid make a commercial comeback?

Avoid the Noid – he ruins pizzas! But seriously, where has the Noid been? The popular Dominos spokesperson has been missing for many years now. Where has he run off to? Unless there have been behind-the-scenes spokesperson issues on the Subway level, there is no excuse for the red 80’s pizze mascot to be back.

Will Coldplay play “I Put My Love In A Box And Then Put That Box In A Bigger Box?”

The Super Bowl halftime show is a perfect time to sit down and see the hits played with a special appearance by Lenny Kravitz. But will Coldplay stick to only their top singles? Personally, I’m hoping they whip out the deep tracks, such as “I Put My Love In A Box And Then Put That Box In A Bigger Box” and “I Dropped My Keys In The Ocean Of Your Eyes And I Need Them Later”.

Will the greenskeeper remember to cut the lawn before the big game?

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to run through the tall grass. It slows you down and can lead to lime disease. This means the pressure is on for the Levi’s Stadium greenskeeper to run the lawnmover over the field. Will he succeed? I’ll be on the edge of my seat until I find out.

 

CC photo courtesy of Flickr/aidanmorgan

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Hey, Has Anyone Seen My Sunglasses?

I know this is mostly where I post news, blogs, and quizzes about which Smurf you are, but I just had one question: has anyone seen my sunglasses?

I was walking home from the hat store and noticed I was missing something. I had my keys, my phone… then it hit me.

Sorry to break from the norm, but I’ve been looking everywhere for them. I got them at the K-Mart just a week ago and could really use them. I know it’s been mostly cloudy out, but the doctor says I have sensitive eyes.

They were those black sunglasses with the UV  protection. At least I believe they were UV protected.  I heard you’re not supposed to get any without UV protection.

Ahh, I know I should have taken advantage of that 2 for $10 deal. I just heard somewhere that’s how they get you. Although, I would have gotten more K-points. And those points add up, you know.

I should have called a few places before posting this, shouldn’t I? I just didn’t want to cause a rucus at my local hat store.

OK, I’ll head back to th K-Mart. Sorry for wasting your time.

 

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/Bohman

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Maybe Polar Bears Are Endangered Because They’re Bad At Sex

Do you ever hear something that maks you turn your head, roll your eyes, and bark like some half-man half-wolfman? I was watching the Animal Planet the other day and learned a very interesting fact. Polar bears are an endangered species. For the uninitiated, that means the number of polar bears are currently decreasing at an alarming rate.

When I first heard this I was shocked. What could be causing this sharp decrease in our white, furry, Cocacola drinking friends? Habitat destruction? Global warming?

No, it must be something more plausible.

And then I looked in the mirror and came to a relization: sexual dysfunction. Is it at all possible that the polar bears are just cold fish when it comes to lovemaking?

It’s not too terribly far-fetched. The Sumatran Tiger, Bluefin Tuna, and even the saucily-named Tufted titmouse have all faced endangerment, possibly due to low sexual appetites.

Is it possible the liberal media wants this covered up so they can blame it on global warming? I must say I’m a bit miffed that I’ve been shamed for so long about using gasoline and spraying hairspray in the air. It’s time to own up about these impotent snowbears once and for all.

Who’s with me?

 

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/didbygraham

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Paid Day Off Subdues Local Man’s Racism

All around the United States, people are celebraing Martin Luther King Day. By reflecting on the great work Dr. King did, we feel the overall growth of racial unity in our country. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the home of Leaonard Newton, whose usually racist sentiments have been subdued by a paid day off.

“You know what, Dr. King really did some great work” Newton said, putting his feet up after waking up at noon. “I think it’s very important we have a day to reflect on that”

Newton has decided to spend the day honoring Dr. King by drinking a bloody mary and watching the 1980’s comedy film Porky’s.

“I really feel like I’ve come so far. We’ve all come so far.” Newton said, before taking a mid-afternoon nap.

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Meme Of Ronald Reagan Now Republican Frontrunner

The Republican debates are over, but the political wheel just keeps turning. Former frontrunners Donald Trump and the other guy have been blown away by a brand new GOP phenom: a meme of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan.

The image, which exudes a catchy and mildly humorous phrase regarding our country’s commitment to freedom, has the right wing spectrum abuzz.

“The Reagan meme is a real breath of fresh air”  right wing blogger and plot device Sean McPherson wrote. “It doesn’t care about political correctness, it gets the job done without stomping all over the Constitution.”

However, not everybody is in love with our new digital political phenomenom.

“America just isn’t ready for its first Meme-American President” political analyst Anna Hackenberg wrote. “Sure, it’ll dominate the meme vote, but it may be years before the rest of our country is accepting.”

At press time, Megyn Kelly had scheduled an hour long interview with the beloved Ronald Reagan meme.

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Biggest Takeaways From Obama’s Final State Of The Union Address

Just like that, the final State Of The Union by our 44th President is over. The President went through many topics, trying to touch upon many of the hot button issues Americans havebeen wondering about. Did his opinions satisfy the American Public? Let’s take a look at what the President said:

-Began the address by asking that nobody tell him the score to the Bulls game, as he was taping it

-Claimed he was not crying during last speech, saying it was allergies

– Finally admitted he was born in Kentucky

-Outlined how apples are better than pears, calling pears a “garbage fruit”

-Called for an end to different shoe sizes for men and women, wanting only two sizes: “Enlarged” and “Miniscule”

-Addressed the incorrect results of a recent poll, revealing he’s more of a Miranda than a Samantha

-Ended the speech by plugging his DeviantArt page

 

 

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Craziest Promise Yet? Trump Wants The McRib To Be Served Year-Round

Since entering the Presidential race, Donald Trump has made some interesting promises. Between building a wall on the border, polarizing trade deals, and funding a new Veronica Mars film, Trump may have bit off a bit more than he can chew. But this time, he’s gone too far.

Just this Wednesday, in a television appearance, Trump announced that, upon being elected President, he would make the McRib a year-round menu item available at McDonald’s.

“I promise you and everyone in this country that it is my duty to allow every man and woman to have a McRib when they want. Not just when they’re told they can have it. War isn’t seasonal. Elections aren’t seasonal. Why should the McRib be?”

After the announcement, there was a quick moment of silence, as the reporter was clearly in awe. The cameraman had tried to dump out of the footage, but the damage had already been done.

I can’t say I’ve been on board with many of Trump’s promises. But this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Serving the McRib year-round goes against everything that makes this country what it is. It’s a symbol of delayed gratitude and well-earned reward. Placing it next to the Filet O Fish or the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese cheapens it. You take this symbol of our country’s workmanship and turn it into just a sandwich.

Letting the McRib immigrate to the McDonald’s main menu? That’s not making America great again.

 

CC Photo courtesy of Flickr/gageskidmore

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