OPINION: If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He Would Be Cyberbullied By Millenials

Now I’m not the kind of person that will just bombard you with hypotheticals, but I believe they really are important for having a discussion.

We all want to know what it would have been like if Lee Harvey Oswald sneezed before taking that fatal shot, or if Gandhi was caught binge eating Pop Tarts during his supposed hunger strikes.

And one thing we all have wondered at one point is regarding our very own former President of the United States Abraham Lincoln. What if he were around today? Would he look at our current system and see racial injustices and perhaps try to change things? Would he seize the world with his speaking skills?

Well, I can’t speak to any of those things. But one thing’s for sure: he would be on the internet. And he would be cyberbullied by millenials within seconds.

First off, consider who it is we’re talking about. In Abraham Lincoln’s time they probably had never even heard of the computer, let alone had dreams of one day surfing the web. A comment section would eat him alive.

While he’s no doubt an educated man with no lack of credentials, he simply does not have the interenet wherewithal to avoid getting totally owned online. I simply wouldn’t have the heart to watch an American political icon get told to “GTFO” without totally understanding what that means.

It’s a sad truth, but someone had to say it.

 

 

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Youtube/watch?v=7Ik8MybYy10

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A Letter To The Driver That Cut Me Off

Today I’m writing an open letter to somebody I’ve been meaning to say something to: the driver that cut me off.

You see, I was simply driving down the road in my 1994 Chevy when a car zoomed i front of me without signaling. I had many things to say, many questions to ask, but one was first and foremost: where did you get that bumper sticker?

You know the one I’m talking about. It was bright red and said “Honk If You’re Hungry For Democracy!” Where did you get that? I have long been a fan of the witty voice given to us, the people, through the medium of bumper stickers.

Now, while I did find some of your stickers to be a tad bit on the crass side (the image of beloved comic strip figure Calvin urinating on the General Electric logo seemed a bit much for my simple tastes), your greatest sticker tackled not only my state of hunger, but my love of democracy.

While we’re at it, may I inquire about the “If You Don’t Like My Driving, Call 1-800-STEP-OFF” sticker? I find it’s tongue-in-cheek takedown of the classic saying most delightful.

You may never see this, and I understand if you don’t. But I must say this, mysterious soldier of freedom: drive on. Drive on to a world where a person’s only form of free speech is their bumper.

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Pixabay

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OPINION: What If That Cincinatti Gorilla Was Just A Man In A Suit?

One hot topic that has been burning white hot lately is the controversy regarding a gorilla in a Cincinatti zoo that was shot to death when a 4-year-old entered its enclosure. Many are saying this was wrong, as it was a specifically rare breed of gorilla. Others are saying that it’s the mother’s fault for telling her son that gorillas are nice and won’t rip him to shreds.

But I’ve got something that would change everyone’s minds: what if this rare breed of gorilla were, in fact, a man in a suit?

Would that change your mind? I mean, the gorilla was notorious for its rarity, but we have plenty of people on the Earth. It likely wouldn’t even be a news story if tat was the case.

It’s not like we haven’t seen it before. In the popular drama Trading Places, a man is mistaken for a real gorilla after being placed in a suit. And, considering it was never mentioned again, I’m going to assume he continued to be mistaken for a gorilla the rest of his life.

Now, am I saying that’s what happened here? Possibly. Since there aren’t doctors for apes, we’ll most likely never know. And isn’t that the real crime?

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of YouTube

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OPINION: TV’s Are Like Phones, But Bigger And Can’t Make Calls

I never set out to blow people’s minds or change people’s perspectives too much. But, once in a while, I do like to make people think. And here’s something worth thinking about: televisions.

Have you ever looked at a television and really thought about what they do? They transmit video and audio content into your home. Now look at your phone. What does it do? That’s right, transmit video and audio content into your home. Like I said, didn’t mean to blow your mind.

The only difference between the two? A television can’t make calls. And it’s bigger.

It’s these kinds of little things in life that make you really think about things. Or perhaps not. But try this on for size: you can put a phone in a cell phone holder. Can you put a television in a cell phone holder? Most likely not.

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Flickr/dailyinvention

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Socks Review

Yeah, that’s right. Socks. I’m reviewing socks this week.

You want to know why? Because I just don’t care anymore. Because I’ve become my own worst enemy.

I’ve been constantly bombarded with messages about what my next review will be. Not from fans, and not about reviews. But I have been getting a lot of emails lately.

And it’s overwhelming. You don’t know the pressure I’m under. An inbox that constantly fills to the brim, always begging for more.

The bottom line is that I give up. The world of reviewing is fickle. The internet is gone and it’s all our faults. We used it for nothing but searching for pirated episodes of “Who’s The Boss?” and nude photos of Bette Midler.

We insulted the internet. And it does not forgive.

So that’s it. I give up. It’s all done. Stores’s closed. Go home. Hug your wife. Hu your children. Hug your secret second family. Because the internet, as they know it, should not be.

See you next week when I review Casablanca.

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Freestockphotos.biz

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Celebrity Spotlight: That Guy That Played Newman On Seinfeld

On this week’s Celebrity Spotlight, we’re taking a look at one of the sitcom stars of the 90’s: Newman, also known as Newman from Seinfeld. Ready to learn more about him? No? Too bad, let’s take a look anyway.

Notable Works: Seinfeld

Name On Driver’s License (Probably): Newman From Seinfeld

Notable Quote 1: “Will you please put my real name in the title? I’ve appeared in over sixty films and directed many indie productions. All I ask is the dignity of my family name in the title of the article.”

Notable Quote 2: “Hello, Jerry”

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OPINION: Nobody Actually Knows How To Tie A Tie

I don’t want to speak for everybody. I believe that would be quite brash of me. But, come one, we all have to be honest with ourselves here. Have you ever actually tied a tie or even attempted to? Because it’s absolutely impossible.

So why do we continue to kid ourselves?

Because the tie industry is full of manipulative fatcats. You see, they set up these impossble standards for men by creating a fashion accesory that requires a Harvard graduate to complete. It’s a way to keep people down, take their money, confuse them, then force them to purchase a clip on in the end anyways.

So if you claim to know how to tie a tie or leave a comment saying otherwise, just understand this: no. No you don’t. That’s just what the suits in the tie industry want you to think. And what are they wearing with those suits? Clip on ties I assume.

Signed, Dissapointed.

This was an open letter to the tie industry by the way.

I should have mentioned that earlier.

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Flickr/zimpenfish

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