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I’m not one to be defensive. I’m not even one to be offensive. Despite what people may believe after my infamous 2013 outburst about how everyone from Oklahoma wear socks with sandals. I stand by it, even though it lost me that Hanes sponsorship.

However, there has been a recent trend that I’d like to talk about: people comparing the NFL’s lowest-ranked New York Giants defense to my sex drive.

I know that you may find it a humorous, or even apt comparison. However, that doesn’t justify it by any means.

The New York Giants defense, unlike my sexual desires, weas hampered with injuries throughout the season. Additionally, because of the complete lack of a run game by the Giants offense, the defense was on the field much too often.

And so to Al Michaels, Trent Dilfer, and all the other sportscasters that may be making this unfair comparison I say this: I will hit you with a cease and desist so fast it will make your eyebrows fall off.

Yeah, I said it.

 

 

CC Phto Courtesy Of Wikipedia/wiki/List_of_New_York_Giants_seasons

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Something happened over the past 24 hours that I’m not sure how to explain. It’s never easy when something of yours is taken and you don’t even get to see the person that took it. It could have been anyone. Your neighbor. Your best friend. The employees at Too Many Backpacks! that originally sold you the item.

But it goes beyond just seeing them. You want to say something to them. You have a thought that simply needs to be unleashed. Well, to the person that stole my backpack, I’ve got one thing to say: there’s a banana in the front pocket, you’d better take that out.

Have you ever left a banana in your backpack for too long? Not only does it make the banana itself mushy, the entire backpack begins to smell like banana. And there’s no way to get that out.

Bananas aren’t the only fruit that’s dangerous to leave in a backpack too long. Take strawberries for example. You risk ruining the strawberry and leaking the juices throughout your bag. That’s no good.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Why didn’t you just use a plastic bag?” And have it never biodegrade and end up in the ocean someday, where it will most likely strangle a seagull? No thank you.

And so, annonymous theif, I say this: apples are a much better fruit when it comes to travel. I will try and be more aware of this in the future. Thank you.

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy of Flickr/slgc

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For those outside of the realm of sports, it may not be well known that Denver Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib was shot in the leg recently, supposedly by himself. If he indeed was the shooter, the incident would be strikingly similar to a 2008 occurence involving New York Giants wide reciever Plaxico Burress, in which he shot himself in the leg by accident. The two stories have brought one particular debate into the mainstream:

Should you shoot yourself in the leg or not shoot yourself in the leg?

It’s one of those things you hear the talking heads on CNN and Fox News and TBS talk about so often that you pretty much tune it out. However, I feel given the possibility of Talib’s incident, we should once again discuss the complex issue.

On the outside, shooting yourself in the leg doesn’t seem like the greatest idea. In fact, it may actually hurt your leg. And waste a bullet in the process, which I hear are quite expensive. However, I’ve never actually shot myself in the leg. So, really, I’m not sure if I’m qualified to discuss the issue. While I do own a leg, I am not currently a gun owner.  So I may have to have to leave this one up the the Constitution, where it’s explicitly stated we have the right to shoot ourselves in the leg.

But that’s just what it is: a right. Not a privelage.

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Wikipedia/Bridgeport_rig

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Now I’m not the kind of person that will just bombard you with hypotheticals, but I believe they really are important for having a discussion.

We all want to know what it would have been like if Lee Harvey Oswald sneezed before taking that fatal shot, or if Gandhi was caught binge eating Pop Tarts during his supposed hunger strikes.

And one thing we all have wondered at one point is regarding our very own former President of the United States Abraham Lincoln. What if he were around today? Would he look at our current system and see racial injustices and perhaps try to change things? Would he seize the world with his speaking skills?

Well, I can’t speak to any of those things. But one thing’s for sure: he would be on the internet. And he would be cyberbullied by millenials within seconds.

First off, consider who it is we’re talking about. In Abraham Lincoln’s time they probably had never even heard of the computer, let alone had dreams of one day surfing the web. A comment section would eat him alive.

While he’s no doubt an educated man with no lack of credentials, he simply does not have the interenet wherewithal to avoid getting totally owned online. I simply wouldn’t have the heart to watch an American political icon get told to “GTFO” without totally understanding what that means.

It’s a sad truth, but someone had to say it.

 

 

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Youtube/watch?v=7Ik8MybYy10

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Today I’m writing an open letter to somebody I’ve been meaning to say something to: the driver that cut me off.

You see, I was simply driving down the road in my 1994 Chevy when a car zoomed i front of me without signaling. I had many things to say, many questions to ask, but one was first and foremost: where did you get that bumper sticker?

You know the one I’m talking about. It was bright red and said “Honk If You’re Hungry For Democracy!” Where did you get that? I have long been a fan of the witty voice given to us, the people, through the medium of bumper stickers.

Now, while I did find some of your stickers to be a tad bit on the crass side (the image of beloved comic strip figure Calvin urinating on the General Electric logo seemed a bit much for my simple tastes), your greatest sticker tackled not only my state of hunger, but my love of democracy.

While we’re at it, may I inquire about the “If You Don’t Like My Driving, Call 1-800-STEP-OFF” sticker? I find it’s tongue-in-cheek takedown of the classic saying most delightful.

You may never see this, and I understand if you don’t. But I must say this, mysterious soldier of freedom: drive on. Drive on to a world where a person’s only form of free speech is their bumper.

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Pixabay

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One hot topic that has been burning white hot lately is the controversy regarding a gorilla in a Cincinatti zoo that was shot to death when a 4-year-old entered its enclosure. Many are saying this was wrong, as it was a specifically rare breed of gorilla. Others are saying that it’s the mother’s fault for telling her son that gorillas are nice and won’t rip him to shreds.

But I’ve got something that would change everyone’s minds: what if this rare breed of gorilla were, in fact, a man in a suit?

Would that change your mind? I mean, the gorilla was notorious for its rarity, but we have plenty of people on the Earth. It likely wouldn’t even be a news story if tat was the case.

It’s not like we haven’t seen it before. In the popular drama Trading Places, a man is mistaken for a real gorilla after being placed in a suit. And, considering it was never mentioned again, I’m going to assume he continued to be mistaken for a gorilla the rest of his life.

Now, am I saying that’s what happened here? Possibly. Since there aren’t doctors for apes, we’ll most likely never know. And isn’t that the real crime?

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of YouTube