The English Language Review

Today, I review something that nobody actually has taken the time to review. You see, the internet is already full of reviews of food, movies, and people, but what about the English language itself? Am I a trailblazer here? Yes, yes I am.

So let’s start with the core of the English language: words. Words are used for everything in the English language, and are meant to signify things, verbs, and adjectives. There are literally hundreds of words, many f which I use every single day. Props to the English language on that.

I’m calling it right now, English is the single best language. I’m sure you’re wondering why. Well, I’ll tell you. You know what I’ve noticed? Every single person I know speaks the English language. Not a single one has decided to use Japanese, Portuguese, or any of the other languages. If those were all so great, why wouldn’t more of my friends and family use them?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Unless more people I know start using all those weird symbols or funny lookin apostrophes, English is the undisputed leader of languages.

 

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Celebrity Spotlight: Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez is a celebrity, famous for such things as being a celebrity. Today, we take a look a bit deeper into her career, likes, dislikes, and allergies.

Most Helpful Songs: “Remember To Flip Your Mattress Periodically”, “Aerating Your Lawn Will Improve The Soil”. “Charging Your Device Too Long Will Damage The Battery.”

Least Favorite Charity: Pirated Selena Gomez CDs For Tots

Shoe Size: Unknown

Notable Quote: “Please stop asking me to send in quotes. My email is literally nothing but requests for quotes for your stupid website. If you do it one more time I’m going to call the authorities.”

 

 

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OPINION: The Baldwin Brothers Can Morph Into One Mega-Baldwin

Now, just hear me out. I know that most claims of famous siblings having the ability to morph together (i.e. the Mega-Franco rumor of the early 2010’s) have been proved false, but let’s just think about it for a second.

Alec, Daniel, Billy, and Stephen Baldwin just might have the ability to morph together into one Mega-Baldwin, combining all of their strengths together.

I know what you’re thinking. “Anthony, if they had the ability to do this, why haven’t the already done it?” Well I have one simple response: they’re biding their time.

You see, BaldwinMania, which began in the late 80’s, has been going strong for nearly thirty yearrs. However, now that the craze is finally beginning to slow down, they know it’s the perfect time to unveil Mega-Baldwin.

At least that’s my opinion.

When will they do it? A gala? A Knicks game? The annual Baldwin day at Yankee Stadium, where anyone wearing Baldwin merchandise gets in free?

Only time will tell.

 

 

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Captain America: Civil War Review

When you think of the words “America” and “Civil” and “War” and “Captain”, what do you think of? That’s right, you think of Captain America: Civil War. Coming soon to a theater near you.

So how was the epic clash between superheroes? Well, I haven’t seen it yet but I’ll go ahead and make an educated guess that it’s satisfactory. There will be intense scenes of kicking, reverse kicking, and high knee kicking. And I’d say anywhere from 2 to 3 cars will be damaged.

Additionally, I assume there will be a good amount of the film dedicated to Tony Stark (or “Iron Man” to you non-comic reading dweebs) deciding whether or not to shave his trademark facial hair. This was a big part of the Civil War arc in the comics, and I’d like to see how they handle it here. While I’d be happy if they kept it in just to stay true to the source material, I wouldn’t mind if they left it out just for the sake of timing.

Amongst my other predictions, I’m going to assume there will be no ducks in the film, but at least three geese. However, no more than five geese.

Overall, while I haven’t yet seen it, I give Captain America: Civil War a 12.

 

 

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Celebrity Spotlight: George Lucas

May the Star Wars be with you! Today is Star Wars Day, a celebration of all things wookies, ewoks, and complaining about the prequels. However, how much do you know about the man behind the wars, Mr. George Lucas? Let’s take a look at a few facts you may not know:

Midichlorian Count: 3

Favorite Heart Song: Dreamboat Annie

Behind The Scenes Fact: Lucas originally wanted C-3PO to reveal he had extremely realistic human genitals in Episode V. While it would be tastefully done, the higher ups found it didn’t test well with the 18-24 demographic.

Composition: 10% Flesh, 4% Beard, 86% Sacks Of Money

Notable Quote: “A lot of people ask me where Luke’s hand went after Darth Vader cut it off in Cloud City. I like to think that some teenage Jawas found it and pulled pranks on the citizens of Tatooine. That was supposed to be the main plot of Episode VII.”

 

 

 

CC Photo Courtesy Of Wikipedia Commons

 

 

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