Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From Not Enjoying Coke Zero

After much speculation about what his next move would be, Peyton Manning finally addressed recent interviews about his future. Would he go out on top like general manager John Elway? Would he attempt to do it all over one more time? Would he try and take the helm of a brand new franchise?

Walking up to the podium, a solemn-looking Manning was obviously getting ready to drop something serious on the American public. He cleared his throat, gave a somber grin, and began speaking.

“This is something I’ve beeen thinking about for a long time, you know.” Manning said. “These kind of things are years in the making, and I can try and And while I’ve stayed mum on it so long, I’m finally announcing my retirement from not enjoying the crisp, refreshing tast of Coke Zero anymore.”

Manning bowed his head, took a sip of his Coke Zero can, and gave and audible, refreshing “Ahh!”

“That’s the kind of low-calorie taste that makes these kind of announcements easier.” Manning said, taking many more sips.

Following his announcement he took a minute to thank all those responsible for mustering the strength to make his announcement, such as the fast internet speeds of Xfinity, the great selection of slacks at Sears, and the invigorating effects of Yoplait’s Human Grape Hormone yogurt.


CC Photo Courtesy of Flickr/denverjeffery



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Posted February 10, 2016 by anthony in category "Blog
written and composed by Anthony Elio