The career of professional quarterback Peyton Manning is officially over. The career of professional late night infomercial salesman Peyton Manning has begun. But before that, let’s take a quick look at the ups, downs, and downs and slight up of Payton Manning.
March 24, 1976: Born 6 lbs, 0/0, 0 TD 0 INT
September 23, 1979: First word, commercial endorsement
November 13, 1984: First denial of HGH use in Pop Warner
December 21, 1991: Also forgets who Cooper Manning is
April 18, 1998: Starts getting paid to play a game
Septermber 26, 2011: Succesfully reanimated, chased by angry mob
February 7, 2016: Masterfully doesn’t lose Super Bowl
CC Photo Courtesy Of Flickr/politicalpulse
After weeks of speculating, former elite quarterback and current decent quarterback Peyton Manning has announced his retirement. After two Super Bowl championships, numerous MVP awards, and immeasurable forehead growth, Manning gave a tear-filled message to his brands earlier today:
“You guys have been with me since the beginning. Bengay pain relief cream helped sooth my sore muscles my rookie year. American Airlines always made sure I got to the game on time. And who could forget the KFC Double Down, which gave me the protein and energy needed to get back on top.”
Manning, whose suit was adorned with advertisements for TurboTax and Pandora Internet Radio, paused for a moment, clearly overcome with emotion.
“A lot of people have been asking me what I’m going to do now that my playing career is over. Well, I wouldn’t say no to the great selection of the Sonic Drive Thru, now serving Green Mountain Coffee.”
Manning ended the annnouncement, shook hands with a tearful Hamburglar, and shouted “you can’t beat the roomy interior of a 2016 Ford Explorer” before stepping into his 2016 Ford Explorer.
CC Photo Courtesy Of Flickr/denverjeffrey